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Y’all aren’t fooling me, you know. I’ve known it all along. The fact is, you don’t come to the Trucker Dump blog to hear my “…insights and sometimes humorous views of truck driving and the trucking industry.” You come hoping to hear some little morsel about the mysterious life of The Evil Overlord. Now I’ve tried to tell you she’s evil, but there are always doubters who assume I’m exaggerating. Well, I’m devoting my 100th blog post to satisfy us both. You will finally get to learn more about The Evil Overlord and I will once and for all prove that The Evil Overlord is in fact… evil.
For those of you new to the blog, The Evil Overlord is my wife of 20 years and my co-driver for 9 of those. Her real name is Lorinda, but this presents a problem. Having an odd name like Lorinda lends itself to people screwing it up. She’s been called Loren, Loranda, Lorinna, Loreena, LaManda, LaLinda, Dorinda, and every other name you can imagine that sounds even remotely close. People even say it wrong when they’re reading her name from a sheet of paper, for Pete’s sake. I just can’t fathom what’s so hard about it, but there you have it. I guess I’ll just chock it up to the fact that people can be dumber than a head of lettuce.
Perhaps a bigger problem is for kids. I first recognized this back when we were dating (before I realized she actually was The Evil Overlord… had I known at the time… hmmm). Our best friends at the time had a little girl who adored her. She’d sit in her lap for hours and stroke Lorinda’s hair, but she never could say her name right. No matter how hard we tried, it always came out as Ralinda. It was so cute though, we eventually just went with it.
Years later, after The Evil Overlord’s title was spawned, our nephews couldn’t pronounce it either. The first one, Jake, called her LaLeigh and it stuck with Jared and Joel too. I guess it’s just way easier to say with a mouthful of slobber. But now that the brats are 14, 12, and 8, and have graduated to actual human speech filled with what they perceive to be quick wit, they have taken to calling her LaFawndah (although she prefers to spell it LaFonda), which for those of you chained up in a basement, is a character in the movie, Napoleon Dynamite, which, by the way, is a hilarious quirky little movie. And for the record, The Evil Overlord is neither tall nor black, but apparently she is attracted to nerds.
There are only three categories of people who manage to call The Evil Overlord, Lorinda. One group are the peeps who know her casually. The second is the three lonely people she’s met in her 29 years cough who share the same name. The other, even smaller group did the nasty once and hatched her. Although her dad still insists that her real dad is in prison.
So enough about her name. She knows I call her The Evil Overlord and she embraces it wholeheartedly. It’s especially satisfying to her when the nephews call her that after she’s done something particularly evil. Which leads us nicely into the subject of today’s topic.
What exactly makes The Evil Overlord…evil?
Let’s start with the origin of the name.
When The Evil Overlord first wakes up, she can be as cranky as a centipede with bunions
I knew this by the time we were married. But I didn’t know the extent of it until she became my co-driver. Almost every afternoon when I’d holler back to her that it was time to get up, I’d hear a loud “NOOOOO!!!” Or perhaps I might be told to go someplace that is a lot hotter than heaven. The amount of curse words associated with this refusal to get up usually corresponded to the quality of the highways I’d driven that day. She usually stayed grumpy until she got a shower, which meant that the days we had to skip showers were never much fun. To this day, no one wants to wake her up… ever. And if you don’t believe how vicious she can be in the morning, just come over to my house and look at my three nephews sitting quietly on the couch until The Evil Overlord gets out of bed. Trust me. The only time they aren’t loud and obnoxious is when LaFonda is still asleep. Speaking of being in the truck…
I once woke up with a pillow on my face
Seriously, she was laughing maniacally as she held me down. She’s tried to convince me it was all in fun, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be alive if I weren’t just a tad bit stronger than her. 😉 Come to think of it, that might have been right around the time I bought that life insurance policy. And speaking of my head…
The Evil Overlord likes to drop stuff on my face while I’m sleeping
It started innocently enough. When we were shut down for the day in the truck, I often went up on the top bunk to sleep so we could keep our driving schedule intact. Now being a woman, she always brought a bunch of crap that filled up the top bunk. We had a portable freezer/refrigerator (see photo for the exact model) up there along with a couple of large duffle bags, a dirty laundry bag, and I’m pretty sure I saw a fireplace up there once. Anyway, being a typical lazy man, I moved only enough stuff so I could lay down in a space as wide as my shoulders. That meant my head was right by the cooler. One day when she was trying to get something out of it without waking me up, the cooler lid came off its hinges and bonked me right on the forehead. She tried to apologize, but it was kind of hard while she was laughing her butt off. Apparently, my sleepy reaction when hit had been hilarious… at least to some people it was. From then on she would drop stuff on my face every now and then to see how I would react. Granted, I was thankful that it usually consisted of rolls of paper towels, toilet paper, clothing, or the occasional slightly heavier object, like a claw hammer. 😉 Keep in mind, this all comes from someone who hates to be woken up herself. Which brings me to…
She wakes me up for her amusement
If I had a quarter for all the times she’s done this to me, well, let’s just say my retirement fund would be a lot further along than it is. Here’s why she does it. I fall asleep quick. Real quick. She doesn’t. Yes, that is the full reason. If I get in bed five minutes before her, I’m usually snoring like a misfiring chainsaw by the time she walks into the room. She’ll walk over to my side of the bed, smack me on the forehead, and walk away as I’m hazily wondering what the heck just happened. Or if she’s already in bed, she prefers to give me an open-handed slap on the the chest.
She also loves it when she catches me sleeping with my mouth wide open. She thinks it’s fascinating to stick stuff down my throat and try to touch that flappy thingy that hangs down in the back. Naturally, this isn’t a very pleasant way to wake up. If I woke her up like this I’d be picking my teeth out of that little hangy-down flappy thingy.
At one rough period in our lives I was working 1 1/2 jobs and going to school. Because of this I had to sleep in two short shifts. When the mood would strike her, she’d anxiously wake me up and tell me I was late for either work or school, even when I wasn’t. I’d either panic and stumble out of bed or I’d wake up and start talking gibberish about something that wouldn’t even make sense to a mental patient. In the latter case, she would often ask me questions to keep the amusement going. Now if that isn’t evil, what is?
She willfully puts me in danger
Nearly every day in the truck she would make hot tea for one or both of us. She always put it in these styrofoam cups and lids we got by the megabox at Sam’s Club. To test the integrity of the lid’s holding power, she used to tilt the full cup of hot tea over my body while I sat in the driver’s seat. And this wasn’t a slight tilt either. I’d say a 45-degree angle was about par for the course. Thankfully, those lids never gave way. I’d like to take this opportunity to personally thank WinCup for their quality products.
She sics our cat on me
I’ll admit it. Our cat is a little crazy. Seriously. As in incest crazy. So the cat iiiiiiisn’t quite… right. Hammy is pretty big for a cat, too. And since he’s an outside cat most of the time, he’s super-powerful. The Evil Overlord once watched him jump from the patio railing up onto the roof of the house. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s SuperCat! But since he’s usually outdoors, he also still has his front claws. One thing The Evil Overlord likes to do is to get him all hopped up on catnip and then put the laser pointer on my junk while I’m not looking. Needless to say, pandemonium ensues.
Now like I said said before, no one still wants to wake her up, even though she doesn’t seem to have a problem doing it to me and my nephews.
More torture while people sleep
When kids get older, they want to watch scary movies or TV shows. The Evil Overlord is very selective, but she doesn’t mind letting them get a bit spooked. Nothing too gory or anything. Of course, it’s sometimes hard to get them to sleep in a dark room after they’ve been screaming like a bunch of little nieces. Often, just as she gets them calmed down, she starts to close the door and she’ll say something sweet like, “I love you guys… and never mind that werewolf that’s been creeping around outside.” More squeals ensue as the calmness utterly vanishes. Once they’re calmed down again, she’s been known to wait until they’re asleep and then she’ll go back for more jollies. Sometimes, she’ll bust the door open and start yelling through the megaphone the nephews got her for Christmas. I think it’s her favorite Christmas present ever. Other times she’ll just creep in quietly, lie on the floor, and reach up to one of their legs with a hairy, glow-in-the-dark glove with giant claws. Mind you, if you did this to her, you’d think a werewolf actually was in the house.
She just loves to scare kids
We live waaaaay out in the stix. I mean the road to our house has tree branches over the top of the road and there are trees and bushes on both sides. At night, there isn’t a light in sight. It’s quite creepy really. One time she was in the car with her aunt and 7 year-old cousin. Kyle, who just so happened to be terrified of clowns. Last I heard, he still was and he’s in his twenties now. Well, she stopped suddenly and turned the ignition and lights off, pretending like the car had died. Then she jumped and yelled, “Did you see that clown?!!” Naturally, Kyle started wigging out. The Evil Overlord was sure her aunt would swoop in and stop her child from being tortured, but to her shock, she went right along with it. Needless to say, that kid was scared sh… well, let’s just say he probably didn’t have to poop for a while. As with most kids though, Kyle loved it. The Evil Overlord would often jump out and scare him. After he quit shaking and managed to pull himself off the floor, he’d yell, “DO IT AGAIN!!!!” Kids are weird. When Kyle was a teenager, she bought him an Insane Clown Posse T-shirt to rub the whole thing in.
Another thing she likes to do is wait until all the nephews are in the back of the house with Nanny (their grandma). Now by this time they were used to her jumping out at them and scaring them. So she started turning off the lights. They’ll all creep into the room and she’d always manage to be hiding exactly where they didn’t look. She’d scare the crap out of them and they’d all hate her for the next two minutes, including Nanny. Eventually, they learned to turn on the lights as they entered a room. But since she’s evil, she’s graduated to killing the power on the fuse box. I fully expect this to escalate to the boys carrying flashlights in holstered belts, 24/7.
The Evil Overlord alters the rules at her leisure
She plays the slug bug game, but we can’t punch her any more. She always spouts some nonsense about “boys shouldn’t ever hit girls.” What a crock. 😉 The rules are, she can either punch one of us or give her punches away. Naturally, having the power to issue extra punches tends to get her just about anything she wants. But I’m sure she’s never thought of that before. Pshhhht.
She also determines who can and cannot play the “Infinity” game. And if you try to argue with her verdict, she says, “You can’t play the Infinity game… Infinity.” After she wins a round (and she somehow always manages to win), she pinches the loser HARD. Usually right on the back of the arm. No fair! She’s the only one who’s got fingernails!
Not too long ago, she waited until the little punks were all in bed and under the covers, and then she busted in and unloaded on them with a fully-automatic AirSoft rifle, screaming, “Say hello to my leeeettle friend!” (And for the record, she did make sure they had their head under the blankets.) By the way, did I mention that shooting AirSoft guns in the house is strictly forbidden? Uh-huh. She does all this and we just accept it. And when I say “we,” I’m including myself in this nonsense. I have no clue why we allow this abuse. I think I need to see a shrink.
She tortures the nephews
After taking the boys past an old abandoned house down the road, she told them stories of the werewolves that live in our area. The youngest, who was 5 or 6 at the time, didn’t want to get eaten so The Evil Overlord convinced him he needed to do the wolf dance to appease them. This involved him getting naked, going outside, and running around in a circle three times while howling at the moon. It was a bit chilly outside, but I have video with full frontal to prove he did it. I’d love to post the hysterical video, but I hear the other inmates don’t treat you very well in prison if you post pictures of naked kids online. 😉
Another thing she does happens at Christmas. Ever since the boys were old enough to do it, she has set up a scavenger hunt to find the last of their presents. This is one of their favorite parts, not only because they get to run all over the place, but also because they have to answer a trivia question before they can proceed. Although this year, each member of the family silently acted out a room in the house where their next clue was. As you might expect, my pantomime involved squatting and grunting. Hey, this is called Trucker Dump you know! In the few Christmases that they were all at the right age, they would inevitably have to strip down to their boxers and go outside in the freezing cold (and sometimes snow) to rummage through someone’s car. Hey! It wasn’t our fault if they forgot to take the keys to the locked cars! I’m really not sure why these boys still like Christmas. I guess they’re just weird. Well, scratch that. I know they’re weird.
One of her latest tortures came when our oldest nephew, Jake, had his best friend over. We all got in the car and his friend said, “Play some good music!” Normally this is fine because The Evil Overlord calls herself the Magic DJ, as in, she has a knack for playing the right song for the mood. But in this instance, “All Out Of Love” by Air Supply came on at full blast. As we both sang at full volume, they all covered their ears and screamed like someone was ripping their toenails out. After it was over, they were all groaning about how horrible it was. But they were soon drowned out by the Bee Gees doing “Tragedy.” I have to admit, it was pretty awesome.
Another time, she caught Jake’s friend sleeping with his hand down his pants. She’s holding that picture as blackmail along with the many compromising snapshots of our nephews. By the way, every friend Jake has brought out to the house so far is now totally in love with The Evil Overlord. At least that’s what Jake says. From the embarrassed look on their faces when I ask them if it’s true, I’d say Jake is right.
She’s an intstigator
Any time there are shinannigans in our family, you can bet your little brother’s life that The Evil Overlord is behind it. In the intro to the last podcast, TD99: 4 Ways to Be an Awesome Trucker, you may remember that when I got home on New Year’s Eve, I was attacked by four masked men with AirSoft rifles. Yea. My nephews and their friends didn’t think of that. That was The Evil Overlord’s idea, which, of course was enthustically embraced. And for those you who only read the blog, well, see what you’re missing by not listening to the podcast version? 😉 Hey, it’s not too late. That PLAY button is still hanging out up there at the top of this post.
Another thing she likes to instigate is bathroom cruelty. Now you’d think that me and my three nephews would already be doing this, but oddly enough we never remember to. Never fear though, The Evil Overlord is always happy to remind us that “so-and-so” is in the shower and there is lots of cold water in the kitchen sink. She usually plans well enough in advance to have enough time to suggest ice in the water too. Such a planner, she is. Last time I was home, I doused Joel (the youngest) while he was showering. He was quite pissed at his Nanny for letting me sneak up on him. But as you might have guessed, it’s usually me who’s the victim of these frozen showers. And of course, she’s exempt from this because she’s a girl. The thought of seeing The Evil Overlord naked is petrifying to the boys. And as for me doing the honors, well, personally I like having a sex life.
She preys on people’s stupidity
Any time we step out of the car for any reason, we always have trouble getting back in. We all know this, but we continue to do it. Recently, Jared asked The Evil Overlord to pull over because he left his iPod in the trunk. As soon as he got to the opened truck, she pulled up a few feet. And again. And again. Hey, he knew better. Sometimes she’ll be nice and wait to pull forward until we open the door to get back in. Oddly enough, they all still want her to drive everywhere. Although that could possibly have something to do with me needing to protect my CDL (Commercial Driver’s License), while The Evil Overlord tries to launch the car into outer space on a hilly road or does surprise “brake checks” that test the tensile strength of their seat belts.
But undoubtedly, the best example of her preying on human stupidity happened to yours truly. This story is told at every family gathering and it never fails to bring everyone to hysterics. She’ll actually tell anyone who will listen. Here’s the situation. The Evil Overlord, her dad, and her mom, were waiting for me out in the driveway. Now it’s important to note that they were in her parent’s car. More on why that’s important in a bit.
You know how you do that thing where you hit the interior garage door opener and walk out of the garage before the door closes? Yea. I was gonna do that. Of course, we all know you have to step over the laser beam safety feature so the door doesn’t go back up. Well, I did that like I always did, but the door started going back up. I looked over at them, shrugged, and went back to do it again. This time I ran faster and jumped higher. I was sure I had cleared it, but the door starting rising again. I looked over at them again and this time all of them were looking at me with puzzled faces.
What I didn’t know, was that as soon as The Evil Overlord had seen what I was going to do, she quietly chuckled, turned to her parents and said, “Watch this.” Her dad said, “Watch what?” She pointed to the garage door opener she held in her lap. Apparently, this brought on fits of laughter from all of them. Now if you know The Evil Overlord’s family, there isn’t a quiet laugher in the bunch. They all laugh with loud guffaws and their heads tossed back, which makes this story even more amazing. Somehow they all managed to subdue their laughter and put on straight faces by the time I made my first jump. But every time I walked back into the garage, they busted up, only to miraculously recover by the time I looked over again.
I just couldn’t understand how I could keep hitting the laser because each time I ran faster and jumped higher, all while ducking low enough to avoid hitting my head on the descending garage door. Well, after the 4th or 5th jump, I eventually smelled a rat. I looked at her with disgust and yelled, “Do you have the garage door opener?!!” The Evil Overlord and her evil parents all looked at me with confusion and then she shook her head “no.”
Now here’s where the stupidity kicks in. I should have known better, but they all looked so serious and concerned that I assumed they were telling the truth. I mean, they weren’t in my pickup truck after all. They were in her parent’s car. Why would they have our garage door opener? And while I could see The Evil Overlord or her dad pulling this kind of prank, I could not see her mom going along with it. I mean, she’s always been on my side before. I still call her a traitor for this incident, which of course, only makes her head toss back with more guffaws of laughter. Traitor.
Well, I’d say my stupidity lasted another 4 or 5 jumps. By the time it was all over, I was trying all sorts of jumping, from curling up in a cannonball position to doing a scissor kick jump like I was trying to clear a high jump pole in a face-down position. I swear at one time my body was completely parallel to the ground, yet that blasted door just kept raising. And I was getting pissed. They somehow managed to keep their composure until the very end when I walked up to the car. Then they busted out. I somehow find this funny now, but I don’t recall thinking that way at the time.
This past Christmas, this fiasco was being told again. Yes, amongst the same people who always hear the story. The nephews were getting a kick out of it too. I tried to play it off when I said, “Yea. That was pretty funny.”
The Evil Overlord said, “You didn’t think it was funny at the time. You called me a mean bitch.” To which I calmly responded, “Well… you are a mean bitch.” More guffaws. For some reason, this struck Jake as particularly funny. He just couldn’t stop laughing, even after everyone else had stopped. I guess that’s what happens when a non-cusser suddenly drops the B-word. I still consider this incident to be the pinnacle of her evil career. Well, there might be one other incident, but it’s far from print-worthy. Even the Trucker Dump won’t go there.
The Evil Overlord is obsessed with people’s butts
I’ll warn you now. There is something wrong with The Evil Overlord’s family. Every time anyone bends over in front of her, you hear the words “CREDIT CARD SWIPE” as you feel a straight-fingered hand swipe up your butt crack. Trust me, while the credit card swipe sucks, it’s much better than the old-style “jab your finger straight at it” move. The woman always had a surprising ability to hit the “sweet spot” on the first jab. I always felt like I needed to file a police report after each instance. Apparently, she learned this violation of personal space from her mother and is merely passing on a tradition. And for the record, I don’t think anyone is exempt from the credit card swipe. She’s done it to the boys, her cousin, her aunt and uncle, me, my sister, my brother, and even my mom, who was quite surprised when it happened. Frankly, I don’t know why that shocked her since she’s known The Evil Overlord for over 20 years. About the only one who isn’t subjected to the dreaded credit card swipe is her dad, because, well, let’s face it… no one wants to get any where near his butt. Speaking of butts…
She doesn’t allow farting around her
Believe it or not; she is actually evil enough to be able to enforce this rule… with three boys in the house (four if you count the 45 year-old boy). Whenever one of us has to let one fly, we always go into another room. And we’re also careful to make sure it doesn’t follow us back into the room either. Sure, there’s more methane in the air than on a cattle farm when she’s not around (boys will be boys), but we’re also always careful not to do it when we know she’s almost home. That’s because she can smell a 5-minute-old air biscuit as soon as she walks into a room. Seriously. Now in her defense, she doesn’t have this rule just to be cruel. She just so happens to be one of those “super-smeller” people who’s sniffer is about 10 times as strong as the average bloodhound. And of course, this rule doesn’t apply to her either. She’s more than happy to bust one in our faces when none of us are expecting it.
Now if all of this hasn’t convinced you of The Evil Overlord’s evilness, perhaps you’ll believe it coming straight from the horse’s mouth. I’ll rest my case with this text message exchange. But you know; despite all her evil tendencies, I think the nephews and I will keep her. If for nothing else, for the challenge of one of us taking her down in the Infinity game.