It’s August 19th, which makes it an extra-special day. Forty-two years ago today, I got my first spanking. Forty-two years later, I still enjoy a good spanking, providing that it’s The Evil Overlord with the riding crop and the ball gag, not some creepy male doctor.

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Unfortunately, Google Maps is telling me that home and The Evil Overlord are 582.5 miles away from me at the moment. That means that I won’t be getting the one thing that men want most for their birthday. So I guess I’ll have to settle. That’s where you good folks come in. I want some stuff from you, and I want it now. So in no particular order, I’m demanding that you fork the following things over:

• From God, I want full forgiveness for all my sins. Oh hey. I guess I’ve been getting that on a continuing basis for years. And I just had to believe and ask. No demanding necessary. I kinda doubt God’s real good with demands anyway.
• From @Truckdrivernews, I want his know-how of the trucking industry. I really should care more about my profession. I just don’t. Jason does.
• From @gabsatrucker, I want her willpower to stay physically fit. The Gabster can keep the wacked-out desire to run and cycle for insane distances. I’d just like to be able to walk from the truck to the truck stop without hyperventilating.
• From @PamCourt and @geoff_court, I want the ability to stay positive most of the time. Pam and Geoff have this in spades. I ask you though, is that even normal? Perhaps they should see someone about that.
• From @Dean0806, I want the ability to sweat like a preacher with Tourette’s Syndrome and not complain about it. Dean unloads tires all day. If I have to turn my truck off for five minutes, I’m crying like a cat in heat.
• From my little sister, her husband, and my mom, I want the willingness to sacrifice for family like they do. Angi and hubby Mike take care of our aging father, and mom deals with my brother’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder every day. Getting home for Thanksgiving and Christmas are almost too much for me. I’m such a selfish guy sometimes.
• From @johnfbraun, I want John’s well-rounded knowledge of both Mac and Windows computer geekery. I’ll take that macho podcasting voice too.
• From @DaveHamilton, I’ll take Dave’s dual attack of Mac Geekdom and the ability to play the drums. Who said geeks weren’t cool?
• From @HighwayofLove, I’ll take that S-Type R Supercharged Jaguar of Lucinda’s hands. I have no idea what it looks like, but with a name like that it’s gotta be freakin’ fast.
• From @KevinofMI, I’ll take Kevin’s knowledge of the workings of the US Government. I guess I should’ve spent more time listening to my Civics teacher and less time flirting with Krista Mathre.
• From my dad, I’ll take his work ethic. Oh yeah. He already gave me that.
• From @WilsonHines, I’ll trade him places on the career ladder. He’s already working on the degree that will get him out of trucking. I had to put mine off for a year or two. But I’m not bitter, Wilson. Really.
• From @tmasteve, he can transfer his Mac Mini home media mojo to me via mind meld. And throw Steve’s doggedness to backup, backup, backup my computer.
• From @Lawsonbulk, I’ll take Ray’s knowledge of the Owner/Operator side of trucking. Granted, I’ll never need this knowledge. I just want to be smarter than everyone else on something other than trucker bathroom habits.
• From @TrulyHeidi, I’ll take her sense of style. Actually, Heidi could dress like a Led Zeppelin groupie for all I know, but considering that she’s a wedding planner, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
• From @podfeet and @spsheridan, well, they’re just the ultimate Mac geek couple aren’t they? Allison and Steve always look so happy when they are hanging out. I strive for The Evil Overlord and I to always have as much fun as these two.
• From @bbusschots, I really want to know how to work my way around the Terminal on my Mac. If for nothing else, so that I can watch the bewildered look on people’s face when I say, “Just open your terminal and…” You know, it’s that look that I get on my face when Bart says it now.
• From @alanbristol, I’ll take his tendency to speak his mind. While Alan and I already share a brain when it comes to beliefs of most things, I sometimes lack in the “tell it like it is” category.
• From @leolaporte, I’d like to have Leo’s 24/7 access to his chat room filled with 700 nerds just waiting to answer everything I’ve ever wanted to know about technology.
• From @Ihnatko, I want the wit to make people laugh like Andy makes me laugh. May as well throw in those sideburns for a day. Any longer than that and The Evil Overlord would send me into celibacy hell.
• From @cris34k, I’ll take her bubbly, fun nature. Since Cris is a toll booth operator, I’m assuming part of this is a result of heavy doses of exhaust fumes.
• From my brother, Tim, I’ll take his love of music. I still love it, but not like this freak of nature. He could probably name every member of the 80’s metal group, Overkill. Of course, the only time that kind of knowledge is useful is when you’re playing 80’s metal band Trivial Pursuit. Hey, I wonder if that game really exists. Hmmmm…
• From @DroidTrucker, I’ll take the patience and tolerance it takes to train new truck drivers. Either Brian has a death wish, or he’s just good people. The only time I have that much patience is when I’m waiting for fresh Krispy Kreme’s to roll off the conveyor belt.
• From @unklefuzz, I’d like to have my mind work in the strange ways his does. He’s always good for a gut laugh, but I’m not sure I’d like to live in his world for long. Isaac can and does say the weirdest things sometimes.
• From @jgamet, I’d like the ability to work without pants on. That is all, Jeff.
• From @victorcajiao, I’d like to obtain his knowledge of all things audio. Victor plays a mean sax too, so you may as well toss that into the mix. Now that I think of it, it might also be handy to be able to smoke one of those big ol’ cigars without puking up my liver.
• From @georgestarcher, I’ll like to suck the internet security knowledge out of George’s noggin’ so I too can become a computer security ninja.
• From @PJVesperman, what else would I want except Patrick’s capability in a kitchen. I mean, who wouldn’t want to know how to make a big cookie? Actually, I’d settle for learning to boil eggs properly.
• From my father-in-law, I’ll take his knowledge of the Bible. He can keep those pesky foreign languages though.
• From my mother-in-law, I’ll gladly accept her inability to smell even the strongest of odors. But only when I’m around my father-in-law.
• From @Roadcookin, I’ll take Don’s passion for healthy eating. I might toss that passion into the bin alongside my junk food wrappers, but I might put it to good use too.
• From @luv18wheels, I’d like to have Pat’s love and tolerance of dogs. You see, I like the idea of owning a dog. I just don’t like the hassle and the smell they bring with them. Gee, why does that remind me of my father-in-law again?
• From @MacSparky and @KatieFloyd, I’ll take David and Katie’s lawyering skills. Combine that with their love of Macs, and I’d sue those pesky Microsoft people out of business. That would end a lot of needless pain and suffering.
• From @Little_Trucker, I’d just like Terry to keep tweeting her complaints about how much the humidity messes with her hair. It reminds me of home.
• From @FLTruckerWife, I’d like the ability to vanish from Twitter for extended periods of time. Having said that, “HEY CASEY! GET YOUR BUTT BACK ON TWITTER!”
• From @Surfbits, I’ll take his omniscience of Mac software. If you need something done on a Mac, Tim always knows a product or two that should do the trick.
• From @truckinwife, I’d like learn to tolerate birds like Kathy can. The first time they make a noise, I want to cook them up for breakfast. I hear they’re good with improperly boiled eggs.
• From @diesel_lady, I’d like to learn to go against the grain when it’s necessary. Asia takes a lot of crap for the things she stands for, but she’s right, she knows it, and we all appreciate it.

Now I know I’ve probably left some people out of this list. Look at the bright side. If I’ve forgotten you, that means you get to keep all your positive attributes. As for the rest of you, fork it over now. On second thought, why don’t each of you just give me 10 bucks so I can go buy an iPad.

Photo by rejon via Flickr