Unlike many Weather Channel addicts, I don’t keep an eye on the weather until the winter months roll around. And that’s why it can sometimes sneak up behind me with a 2 X 4 and give me a big WHAP! on the back of the head.

Everyone on the planet has heard someone say, “If you don’t like the weather in (insert state or country here), just stick around for five minutes and it will change.” In my 12 years of trucking, I’ve discovered this to be wildly inaccurate. By and large, what you see is what you get. It’s doubtful that the temperature or precipitation will take a dramatic swing in five minutes. You can usually see rain clouds miles before it actually starts raining. The clouds start looking like it’s going to snow long before it actually lets loose. But there are definitely exceptions to this rule. For instance. . .

Two nights ago, The Evil Overlord and I delivered a load near Denver, Colorado. When I stepped out to drop the trailer, I was blessed with 60 degree weather. Five minutes later we were sitting in a truck stop. And that’s when the surprise came. No small droplets of rain. No heavy downpour of anything. It went from nothing to pea-sized hail in seconds. And it was freaking LOUD! I was so stunned I barely had the presence of mind to get a little bit of video with my trusty Flip Mino HD.

Still, for most people, the weather rarely changes in five minutes. But even for normal, non-trucking folks, overnight weather changes occur. For me, the hail was just the beginning. Okay. It’s 60 degrees one minute, then it’s suddenly hailing. Weird enough. But then The Evil Overlord heads due south with our next load. She wakes me up around 5 a.m. in northern New Mexico, I step outside, and my nipples are instantly hard enough to cut diamonds. “Holy cow!  It’s freezing out there”, I hollered as I jumped back into the cab. “Yea, I know,” says The Evil Overlord, all innocent like. Gee. Thanks for the warning.

It was only 39 degrees outside, but when you’re still dressed for 60 degree weather. . . well, you can imagine. Shorts and flip-flops don’t cut it in those temps. After a quick change into some sweatpants, a light jacket, and some real shoes, I was fine. At least for the time being.

Part of what makes me a good trucker is the fact that I’ve got a bladder that will hold more liquid than an Olympic-size swimming pool. Therefore, I have been known to go all day without a restroom break. I did so on this day. So you can imagine my surprise when I stepped out of the cab in El Paso later on that afternoon. I was a taaad bit overdressed for the 95 degree Texas heat. Out came the shorts and flip-flops again.

Being a typical male, all this changing clothes stuff is extremely bothersome. A man should be able to get dressed once per day and not have to piss with it again. Sadly, sometimes the trucking life dictates otherwise.

As for The Evil Overlord, she’s a woman, therefore, by nature she’s unaffected by the pain-in-the-butt clothes changing requirements. Heck, she’d change clothes 15 times a day even if the temperature remained the same. Women. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t drag them behind your truck.